


Like a Rolling Stone

by Dillian



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Beware Civil War Spoilers, F/M, Friendship, Guilt, Loss, Love, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Spoilers for Civil War (Marvel), Tony's Heroic BSOD, civil war spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-06-07 09:39:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6798676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dillian/pseuds/Dillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you ask me, for a Captain America movie, Civil War was all about Tony Stark.  I watched it, and I saw the story of someone who struggles to be the hero he wants to be, despite his faults and his emotional issues, it was all right up there on the screen.  Tony was definitely the antagonist, way more than Zemo, but in such a Tony-ish way.  All he wanted was to do the right thing, but given who he is, and the issues he deals with, this is how it turns out.  So anyway, I left loving Tony all the more.  And completely understanding why Cap had to stand against him.  And I had to write about it, I had to find a way to give Tony a little of what he needs so badly.</p><p>FYI, I don't like Pepperony much, but that's the main pairing here, because Tony needs a confidante and a supporter, which is what she's been so far, in MCU canon.  I suspect they're going to get back together in later movies, because all alone, Tony becomes a loose cannon.</p><p>FYI 2, if you don't want Civil War spoilers, don't read this, please.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Once upon a time you dressed so fine,  
> Threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you?  
> People call, say, 'Beware doll, you're bound to fall,'  
> You thought they were all kidding you.  
> You used to laugh about  
> Everybody that was hanging out,  
> Now you don't talk so loud  
> Now you don't seem so proud  
> About having to be scrounging your next meal.”  
> \-- “Like a Rolling Stone,” Bob Dylan

 

“How does it feel, how does it feel,  
To be without a home,  
Like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone?”  
\-- “Like a Rolling Stone,” Bob Dylan

_**The Avengers and** _ _**Iron Man** _ **, and all situations and characters thereof, belong strictly and solely to Marvel Comics. This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.**

He can't talk to Rhodey, and he's not going to talk to Rhodey. These days he can barely look at Rhodey. That look of pain in his eyes? Tony put it there. And no one else. And the prosthetic legs? Those are on him too. And the twenty badly-needed pounds that his old friend has lost since his fight with Ant Man.

He helps him, yeah, because he has to help him. Because when you break something, or someone, then it's on you to help fix what _you_ did. He helps him, even though every minute that he spends, walking with Rhodey, watching his friend, who used to outrun him on the track, when they were both in college, fight just to stay upright, just to take a few faltering steps.

He helps him, even though it sends him running to the whiskey decanter, every single time. And then he stands there... Avengers' Tower: The luxury kitchen, that _he_ designed (to Pepper's specifications). The cabinets, sustainable wood, custom-fitted by expert crafters. The contents: His decanter, if you knew how expensive that decanter was... He hasn't taken a drink since Operation Clean-Sweep. That was one of Pepper's requirements; if she was going to stay, she said, he had to stop drinking. There's no booze anymore, at their California house. – Her California house, these days. – Here though, there's still the one decanter. He used to look at it sometimes, just to remind himself how far he's come, back in better days.

Nowadays, he'll take it out. He'll even pour himself some, sometimes. So far, he hasn't drank, but who knows how long that's going to last? What's the point of staying sober anymore, who's he doing it for? Maybe he can destroy the brain that designed Ultron, maybe he can stop the logical mind that thought it would be a good idea to ally himself with a walking shitstain like Secretary Ross, or block the temper that picked a fight with Cap, that almost got his best friend killed. Hey, maybe he should just drink all of it... Would that kill him? Naw, probably not. Not without some help, anyway.

He's never been one for 12-Step programs, mostly because of that “anonymous” thing. Some people can get away with anonymous, other people have had their face splashed all over the media ever since they were in diapers. How do celebrities manage it? Damn good question. Rehab, maybe? How does Tony Stark manage it? Well, he used to have Pepper. Which leaves the big question of what is he supposed to do now?

Step 1: Go to the cabinet. Take down the bottle. Look at the bottle. Think, “On the plus side, it'll silence the echoes...” No, this is a lot of bullshit, and he knows it. It won't silence anything, you can drink until you piss yourself, and you fall down and embarrass yourself in front of everybody. You can drink until everything else leaves your brain, but there's one thing that won't leave, and that's you, Tony Stark, the guy you're trying to get rid of.

...Which brings us to Step 2: Go find somebody to talk to.

First try: Talk to Vision. He is not so bad, actually, for an unclassifiable Being, powered by Tesseract-Power. He's also not so great. Talking to him? Kind of like Data, from the old _Star Trek_ show. Only less empathy. Vision's empathy was for Wanda, to the extent that you might almost think that's the reason he acts like he does, like, maybe he's blaming Tony for putting her on house-arrest? Only in that case, why the hell did he stay, because he did stay, he's here, isn't he? And not with Steve and the rebels?

”Rebels,” by the way? No. They're _friends_. Or they were friends.

...But we were talking about Vision. So, Tony went to him that one time. Vision cooked chicken paprikash for Wanda (sort of). What did he do for Tony? He got him a diet soda.

But of course what were we expecting? He and Wanda were... Well, they sort of were... Let's just say there were times when it sort of came across like our Data wanted to learn about emotions with the Scarlet Witch, _if you know what we mean_.

But anyway, at least he talked to Tony, which is a lot more than some of 'em are doing these days. “Is there something on your mind?” Those eyes of his, by the way? Creepy as hell. Also that cool, cool, Data-voice.

“Yeah, you could say that,” says the billionaire-genius- _failure_. “There is something on my mind.”

Says the red Tesseract-Being, “Tell me more.”

Tony tells him more...

Here's the problem with talking to Vision about it: For a Being of Pure Logic, his logic sucks shit. He keeps saying, over and over, “Well, we did the right thing, there have been more supervillain attacks, and you can't say it wasn't our fault.”

It wasn't their fault. Tony's fault? Yeah. There's the thing, see, is if there's anyone who should have been regulated, it was him. Who was Vanko after? Him. Who turned Killian darkside? Same answer. Also, who _invented_ fucking Ultron? Is there another Avenger who can say they _invented_ a supervillain?

You can talk collateral damage all you want. Fuck collateral damage. So some villains caused some damage, when they were around, fuck that. The only Avenger who caused any damage was him, and even when Cap turned goddamn Ant Man loose on that airport, he was doing it because of him, because of a fight Tony Stark started. Conclusion: Tony Stark should be regulated, or maybe shut down. But there sits Vision, with that no-expression expression on his red face. “We did the right thing,” he keeps saying. “Correlation equals causation...”

(Insight, by the way: Losing Wanda has broken him. The logic part no longer works. This one is also on Tony.)

But anyway, he talked to Vision. And it didn't help. Just made him want a drink more than ever. After that, he went down to the workshop. Maybe making something would help fix things. 


	2. Mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ahh you've gone to the finest schools, alright Miss Lonely,  
> But you know you only used to get juiced in it.  
> Nobody's ever taught you how to live out on the street,  
> And now you're gonna have to get used to it.  
> You say you never compromise,  
> With the mystery tramp, but now you realize,  
> He's not selling any alibis  
> As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes,  
> And say do you want to make a deal?”  
> \-- “Like a Rolling Stone,” Bob Dylan

Florescent lights, loud music: So relaxing. Get Dummy and You going, one of 'em for bringing the coconut water, other one standing by with the fire extinguisher. Years all seem to melt away, and for a while, it's different times, easier times.

No ideas for new projects, but there's the memory thing he demo'ed at MIT, and that could use some tweaking. Stream-of-consciousness hookup works like a charm, but the animations? _Very_ uncanny valley. Modifying those takes a while, it takes a couple of days actually, which is a good thing, because it means he doesn't have to go upstairs. Doesn't have to watch Rhodey struggle with his prostheses, doesn't have to see how empty the Tower is anymore.

Vision's up there, he helps Rhodey. It's better that way anyway, isn't it? Who's responsible for him being hurt in the first place? And so what makes him think that he's got a right to be part of his recovery?

This is the problem with enhanced powers: You can do things, but how does that mean that you should do them? He _was_ a Merchant of Death, and now he's... What?

But work blocks those thoughts, that's the good thing about work. Just turn up the music, just make this adjustment, and that one, and that one. Feed a little more data in there, Tony wasn't that thin when he was 20, and Mom should not look like Hillary Clinton... Ignore the knocks on the door. Just who the hell is there left here to knock on the damn door anyway? ...Ignore the fact that it might be Rhodey, who if he's lucky enough, might come to his senses and give up on Tony.

Knocks die away after a while. Good. Now back to work. Back to the animation, which is still shit, but if you can adjust the lighting it's not such a problem. As for the stream-of-consciousness, it's good. Let's try it out.

Mom: “He didn't love him more...”

Tony: “I could understand if he did. Cap's a special person... Steve's a special person.” – Is this still 1991? No. But then it never really was, was it? – “Cap sees things I don't see,” says Young/Not-Young Tony. “He understands things I never will understand.”

Mom says, “You're too hard on yourself. You've learned so much, Tony, and you've grown so much. You should give yourself more credit.”

Tony says, “Engineering.”

Mom, or Pretend Mom, says, “I meant compassion and empathy. Your father never had that.”

Question: Why build a wish-fulfillment of your mother? Answer: Psychology. What man doesn't have a mother-complex? She tells you things that you know at some level, only maybe you can believe them, coming from her.

That so-called “bond” Dad had with Cap? That was never real. Steve was a science experiment to Dad. He went looking for him, yeah, but why? Because he wanted the data. Dad would have loved if he could have found Steve in the ice, and if he could have thawed him out, and recorded every detail. Useful data, track the long-term success of the Super Soldier Project... “Friendship?” You don't make “friends” with your experiments. Or is that more wish-fulfillment?

Question: Why build a wish-fulfillment of your parents? Answer: Because they're _dead_. Because maybe you want answers, but there aren't any answers, and there are never going to be answers, because why? Because someone _killed_ your parents, in cold blood, before you even knew what questions you wanted to ask them.

The memory thing doesn't give answers. It doesn't even tell what's actually there. What he fears? What he's always feared? Howard Stark _loved_ Steve, he was open with him, like he never was with his son, and they understood each other like he never understood his son, and they had fun together. Those images are real in his head... 20 years, living with Dad seeing how he couldn't even love Mom, not so it showed anyway, but he could turn the dial on the memory thing right now, and that's what would come out instead of the other.

Question: When you don't _know_ , what good's the wish-fulfillment thing going to do? Are you going to base your life on illusions? Isn't that what you were supposed to be fighting against in the first place? You can play it any way you want, but it's never going to be anything more than your own mind, throwing smoke at you. What's the good of that, how's it going to make you a better person?

You're building a wall, is what you're doing, you're trying to block what's behind it, because what the hell else are you going to do, and it helps you survive. But Dad's dead. He supposedly had all this “love” in his heart for his son, even though never showed any of it, and now he's dead, and he never will show it. And Mom's dead, and here he is, making her ghost tell him wish-fulfillments. This is just as bad as drinking. This is a useless machine, and he just wasted three days. ...Or was it four?

Working, by the way: Probably also as bad as drinking. Tony should stick to what else he does best, which is playing Oprah, and throwing money at people. Here, you get funding, and you, and you, and you! Look under your chair! There's a million dollars! What, that's not enough? Here, take two million!

This is reality: Dad's dead, because _Bucky_ killed him. And Mom's dead, because _Bucky_ killed her. But that was the brainwashing, Steve said, and maybe he was right, and maybe _Bucky_ can change. And anyway, who doesn't have darkness inside them? Only Steve didn't, and now he's gone, and he can't come back, because of the law _Tony_ agreed to.

 


	3. Rhodey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ah you never turned around to see the frowns  
> On the jugglers and the clowns when they all did tricks for you.  
> You never understood that it ain't no good,  
> You shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you.  
> You used to ride on a chrome horse with your diplomat,  
> Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat.  
> Ain't it hard when you discovered that  
> He really wasn't where it's at  
> After he took from you everything he could steal?”  
> \-- “Like a Rolling Stone,” Bob Dylan

Three days go by. Fill 'em with helping Rhodey, fill 'em with playing chess. Vision's got more than enough time to play, any time, day or at night, if you can't sleep. Does he ever sleep? Did JARVIS sleep? Or the tesseract? ...Fill 'em every way you can, everything except drinking, or calling Pepper, which is the other thing that's going through his head.

It wouldn't be good to call her. “We need a break,” she said. “I'll call you.” She hasn't called yet, ergo she still needs a break.

Ergo, by the way? Good word. Old-sounding. Vision uses it. He probably got it from Thor.

“You go off half-cocked,” Pepper said. “You do things, and you never stop to think about it first.”

Things. Ultron, for example. Or... What was his name? Guy from AIM, Tony insulted him, didn't even remember doing it (because he was _drunk_ ). Then he came back for revenge, and turned Pepper into a monster.

“You always act so surprised,” Pepper said.

And then he said, “I clean up my messes, don't I?” Then even he realized how many times he'd said it before, and he said, “Sorry,” and shut up.

Things. Like trying to keep your girlfriend safe by locking her in an iron suit, or trying to make the world safe by locking down people like Steve.

There's a reason people like Steve better than him. It's because he's a better person. He's good, he sees the right thing to do, and then he does it. He doesn't go off half-cocked without talking to anybody and do things, and then have to clean up his own messes.

If Steve were here, he'd help Rhodey every single day. He'd be happy to help him, like he was happy to help Bucky, because he was a friend. Where's Steve right now? He should be here, helping Tony. Aren't they friends too?

Dirty little part of his brain says, no, they're not friends, they never were friends. This is the part that always wants the bottle, it gets in there, and it eats at him: “You're not good enough Tony, you never will be good enough. Your dad knew it, that's why he never had time for you. Pepper knew it, that's why she left. Steve knew it, that's why he chose Bucky.”

Chose a brainwashed killer, over the guy that fought next to him in New York?

That part of his brain always says, “No. Chose him over the guy that made the monster that killed all those people in Sovokia.”

Who knows, maybe that part's right. What is he, is he a hero? No. Caused more damage than he's ever stopped, at least Dad stopped the Nazis, what's his claim to fame? Brag about the wormhole, yeah, go ahead, that was probably a Stark warhead he was holding. So that's his best? That he saved everyone from himself? You know what would save him from having to clean up any more messes? That would be if there were no more to clean up. Get rid of the Stark, you get rid of the messes. Maybe the only thing wrong with getting drunk is that it's not permanent enough, after a while you wake up, and you can cause more damage.

Only he does help Rhodey. That's real, that matters. He helps him with the PT, helped him by designing the tech for his the prosthetic. It's not enough, but it has to be enough, even though nothing ever really is.

And so that's his life from now on? Staying here, playing nurse?

Enough. Has to be enough. Should be enough, he's the reason Rhodey got hurt in the first place.

Still isn't enough. When he wakes up, and his brain is itchy, and it feels like all his projects are just little self-comforting devices, and most of 'em don't work. When he thinks, “Why did I get in this in the first place?” And the answer is, “Because I wanted to save people.” And then he thinks, “Do I save people, or do I just set 'em up to be hurt more in the long run,” and he can't find an answer, and it's circular, and it just goes around and around in his head, and there's no one he can talk to about it.

You know who he could have talked to about it? Steve. Which is dumb, he never could, that was part of the problem. Steve sees some things, but he doesn't see everything. Most frustrating thing in the whole world sometimes, was talking to him, like when the entire world wants the Avengers shut down, and all then government is asking is for them to come in and talk, but Steve can't even do that. And when he decides to support a stone-cold killer against his best friend. Only it's the middle of the night, and that's what he'll think, he'll think, “I could have talked to Steve about this, but then _I_ sent him away.”

Two things to do on a night like this: Number one, go build something more useless, in the workroom. Number two, drink. So far he's always chosen the first one.

Finally talked to Rhodey about it. Didn't want to, but he did.

Rhodey? Great guy. Wonderful guy, he's his best friend. But talking? They've never talked, have they? About the palladium poisoning, or when he was having the panic attacks, or... Never really, if you think about it. Why not? Some dumb bro-reasoning, it's not what guys do, like that ever solved anything in the world. What's their relationship? Stupid jokes. Some guy shows up, reads his name wrong, “Tony Stank,” and then Rhodey teases him about it forever. Does it ever seem hollow to him too?

But who the hell else is there? Because he's already tried Vision, and that was a no-go. And Pepper? Off-limits.

“I did the wrong thing,” he says.

“You did the right thing,” Rhodey says. “Collateral damage, etcetera etcetera, also negotiation, and you have to accept some compromises...” Does he say, “Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good?” No. He probably doesn't go that far. He talks like an Army man anyway, which makes sense, because that's what he is. All his life, taking orders. Somebody else makes a decision: Does he like it? Does it matter? He just goes and does it.

Something wrong about the whole conversation, but what is it? Subtle wrong, like... Problem with what Vision said wasn't that it didn't make sense, and the problem with this isn't that Rhodey doesn't make sense either. Because neither of them do, like they're just parroting talking points, but on some level, that's not even what matters.

And what matters? There's something inside him that feels like it's breaking open, and it doesn't feel like it's new, because it's not new, it's been there his whole life. And his father is part of it, the way he raised him, and Mom's part of it too, dying the way she did (thank you, Bucky), and there's more to it too, there's so much more. And for a while there he could hold on, he could... Who the hell knows? Find enough that was worthwhile so he could continue another day? Maybe.

For a while, he had Pepper, and he could talk to her about things. And he had Steve, so it wasn't all on his shoulders. And he had JARVIS, who was like part of him, JARVIS took care of him, and now he's gone, and what the hell does Tony know about taking care of himself?

Rhodey does try. He looks at Tony, and he says, “If you ever want to talk...” The look in his eyes: It's not pity. But it feels like pity. This isn't their relationship, it's never been their relationship. “If you want to talk about anything, Tony,” he says, “I'm right here.”

“I'm fine,” Tony says. “I'm great, everything's great, thanks anyway.”

The plus out of the whole thing at any rate: One more day gone without taking a drink. Now all he's got to do is get through tonight.  And tomorrow...

 


	4. Spidey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ahh princess on a steeple, and all the pretty people  
> They're all drinking, thinking that they've got it made,  
> Exchanging all precious gifts  
> But you better take your diamond ring, you better pawn it babe.  
> You used to be so amused,  
> At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used.  
> Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse.  
> When you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose,  
> You're invisible now, you've got no secrets to conceal.”  
> \-- “Like a Rolling Stone,” Bob Dylan

Spidey: Nice kid. Smart. Very impressed that he's spending time with the Head of Stark Industries, which is kind of adorable of him. Also some disappointed that Captain America is still on the lam, so he can't be best buddies with him too, which should be annoying, but it's not, because he is a good kid, and smart, etcetera.

He's modified the formula for his webbing, made it about 30% stronger. He shows up one day, asks if Tony can modify the web-shooters to accommodate? “I wouldn't ask, Mr. Stark,” he says, cute aw-shucks expression on his face, “but the new formula... residue... lowers efficiency.”

Long fun conversation: Could we change this? Yes, but if we adjust that... Know what would be even more fun? Get Bruce in here, get a three-way going. Take the whole thing over to the Tower, allow a whole weekend for it, and just see what they could come up with. They'd either create new worlds, or they'd destroy this one, or who knows? Maybe they could do both.

Spidey, by the way? Hates the nickname. “Aunt May might hear,” he says, “somebody might hear, and secret identity, etcetera etcetera, Mr. Stark.”

“Call me Tony,” Tony says.

“Okay, and can you call me Peter?” the kid says. And then immediately calls him “Mr. Stark” again, which makes it fair game: He's still Spidey. Good thing, Peter sounds too much like Peter Pan. It's already obvious enough, he's only about 12. And he's going to have to change his mind about that secret identity thing sooner or later anyway. None of the Avengers have secret identities.

After that, more practicals: Tony takes Spidey over to the Tower... You know what he's got to do? Simulation chamber set up to test all the kid's spider-skills (are spider-skills a thing?). The one that was Cap's (until he ran off and left) sort of works, but only the generic parts, and it wouldn't be much of a workout. ...New Avengers sub-file, name it “Spider Man.” List what the kid can do in there, also ask him, “How could that be tested?” Run some simulations. Halfway through the third one, they send out for Chinese food, and eat it at the computers.

Halfway through the fifth simulation, Aunt May calls. It's past curfew, kid needs to be home right now. And so yeah, he flies him home, which is seriously only so he can get him there faster. And yeah, the kid asks all about the suit, and yeah, he's tempted to stay awhile and talk to him about it. But, you know, Math homework, etcetera etcetera. Pat Spidey on the head, tell Aunt May, “Thank you for letting me borrow your genius-kid, etcetera.” Take a second to enjoy those really nice curves (but only as long as a guy who's in a committed relationship, even if he is taking a break, ought to enjoy them), and then leave.

Nice evening, nice day, nice kid. You know, maybe Steve's right? Maybe it is about saving as many as you can. Maybe that whole thing about protect-everyone, that's just his obsessive mind getting at him, and he should concentrate on his victories. Recruiting Spidey, for instance? He didn't do that right. Only went to the kid because he thought he could stop Cap and the others without hurting 'em, and then instead of making a fair pitch, he flat-out bribed him, and then Spidey practically got killed, after Ant-Man did that whole turn-giant thing. But on the other hand, he was already using his spider-skills before Tony even met him, so wouldn't he have ended up in harm's way regardless? And he's good, he'll make a great Avenger. And so what if he gave him the Stark-Grant for the wrong reason? The kid's a genius, he deserves one.

When Tony wakes up in the middle of the night, none of this stuff is there anymore. It's just the obsessive-mind, going around in its usual circles, only this time it's got Spidey in there too, and it keeps throwing all the ways he could have gotten killed, on Tony's watch, at him, one after another. Bam, bam, bam: Ant-Man goes down, and the kid goes flying. Terrifying moment when he's so limp, and Tony thinks he's dead, and he flashes back onto the moment when _he_ bribed him into coming in the first place. Horrible, sad thoughts, about a nice kid, who only wanted to help, and this is what happened to him. And then the whole thing starts again right from the beginning. _This is going to drive him crazy, it's just a matter of time. Nobody can live like this forever_.

You drink enough coffee, you can... almost convince your body it's morning. This is good, because sometimes it goes away in the mornings. And right now he's got something real to do, because he does have to make that simulation chamber for Spidey.

And the simulation chamber takes... not as long as it should take. Unfortunate reality: When you've already got chambers made for all the other Avengers, it's mostly a cut-and-paste job, making the new one. Unfortunate reality #2: It's now 5:00 AM. It's still dark outside, nobody in their right mind's going to be up for hours, but he's got too much coffee in him now, to go back to sleep. But fortunately, Vision's up, because he's always up. So they play chess for about the umpty-millionth time this week.

Tomorrow he's calling Pepper. He'll tell her... Who the hell cares what he tells her? He'll tell her something. “Just lunch,” he'll say. “What's lunch?” She'll come. Everybody has to eat, right, so why not? They'll eat, they'll talk... Maybe it'll go good, and they'll be together again.

Together, by the way? Is a beautiful word. Being with the people you love, and knowing that they care about you, and knowing that you can protect them. Isn't that all anyone lives for?

Maybe she'll look at him, and she'll say no. She'll have some good reason, although it's hard for him see what that would be, at the moment. “You haven't changed, Tony,” that's what it'll come down to, whatever they are. She'll look at him, and she'll say, “You haven't changed,” and he can trot out all the reasons he wants, to show that he has changed, and none of them'll make any difference.

What will make a difference? Being with her. Even if it's just for lunch. Being with Pepper is good, and it makes him smile, and just for a little while, he'll feel like he's complete again. After that? Sometimes you've got to let the after-that deal with itself.

 


	5. Pepper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How does it feel, ah how does it feel?  
> To be on your own, with no direction home  
> Like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone ”  
> \-- “Like a Rolling Stone,” Bob Dylan

The whole thing feels like a tightrope-walk, where he's just trying to avoid saying the wrong thing. Or doing the wrong thing. Presents, for instance? She said to him one time, “You always leave it to the last minute, Tony, and then you just buy the first random thing you see.”

He said to her, “Well, what do you want?”

She said to him, “Well, you don't always have to buy me a present. Sometimes it feels like you're just doing it to buy my affection.”

Right now, buying her affection seems pretty reasonable, because he wants her affection, and at least then he would have it. Only he'd probably pick the wrong present, or she'd get mad because he even brought a present, and she'd say he was just buying her affection. So, no presents.

Also don't cook her lunch. He used to do that, and she told him one time, she didn't really like it. And then he asked her, “Why didn't you tell me?”

She told him, “Well, you were always so cute when you brought it to me.”

(Addendum to this: Also don't trade on being cute. She says he always does this too much.)

And they get together, and what do they talk about? Good question. ...About her, they talk about her. Because that's what she likes. “You're looking good, Pepper,” he says. Also, “How are you?” Also, “How's Happy?”

She's been dating Happy. He heard about it, and he immediately wanted to kill him, but maybe it's a good thing. Happy knows how to take care of someone, he used to take care of Tony pretty well. Maybe that's what Pepper needs, she needs someone who will take care of her, and always think of her and her needs first. (But Tony _needs_ Pepper.)

“How's Happy?” Tony says.

“Oh, he's fine, he's good,” Pepper says. Then she says, “I've missed you, Tony.”

There's this thing they'll do, where it's all just one-liners between them. Sometimes it just comes naturally, other times it feels like the hardest thing in the whole world. There's so much you can't say that way, but when he does try to say it, she just says, “If you say 'I' one more time, I think I'm going to kill you.” Conclusion: Some people can talk about their feelings, others, it just comes across as incredibly self-centered. Conclusion #2: Therefore, don't do it.

These days, the one-liner thing is just easier. And there's this other thing they'll do, where it's only forced at first, and then it's they slip into this nice groove, and suddenly everything's easy.

Pepper says, “I missed you, Tony.”

Tony says, “Really? You said I was self-centered.”

Her eyes do that smile-crinkle thing. “Because you are.”

“And that I'm inattentive.”

Her lips make him want to kiss her. “You're that too.”

“'Distracted', I think that was the word you used,” he says, “by my work, which, in case anyone's forgotten, is _saving the world_...”

One time he said to her, “If I were Iron Man, I'd have this girlfriend who knew my true identity. She'd be a wreck. She'd always be worrying I was going to die, yet so proud of the man I've become. She'd be wildly conflicted, which would only make her more crazy about me.” It makes him sad sometimes, to think how that's literally exactly how it is. There's so much going on with him, and it all falls on Pepper, and they should talk about it. But they don't, and instead he gets by on the fact that she's crazy about him.

But she is still crazy about him. “What is it you miss?” he asks her. “The distracted part, maybe? Or the self-centeredness?”

He looks at her, and it's obvious she is right where she wants to be, doing exactly what she wants to do. “You grow on a person,” she says. “Like a fungus.” Perfect Pepper, with that perfect smile, that always lights up those perfect blue eyes. “I'm going to let you take me to lunch, Tony. Somewhere expensive, I've seen the latest stock prices, I know you're good for it.” And she puts out her hand, and he takes it, and then they go to the most expensive restaurant he can find.

That night they're together again. And Happy is just out of luck, and... Is that good? Is that bad? It just _is_ , and is it really so horrible? He's with the one person who means everything to him, and can finally make him human again. She's with someone who can at least always make her laugh, whatever else you can't say about him.

“Grandiose,” he says to her at some point... They're in bed by now, lots of good sex behind them. He has a bottle of champagne open, from which he will drink the one glassful that's appropriate, and he won't need more, because _he is with Pepper_. ...”Didn't you call me that one time?”

Her laugh is golden and bubbly, like the champagne. “Yes, also narcissistic.”

He toasts her, kisses her throat, where he can see her breathing. “Am I still those things too?”

More laughter. “And a lot of other ones as well. You want me to name them all?”

This is what makes all the sense in the world: To have Pepper here beside you, and her hair is tumbled, and it's because you two were having sex together, and her body is warm, and she's looking at you, and she's smiling. Tony takes the glass out of her hand and kisses her. “I think we can think of some better things for you to do.”

And so, what about the Accords? You know he doesn't think about the Accords all night long? Or about Steve, or about Rhodey, or about anything to do with the Avengers at all. And he doesn't think about his projects, or how he always needs to protect everyone, _all the time_. So is that stuff gone? No. But maybe it's okay to take a break from it sometimes.

 


End file.
